Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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