My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It's Friday. Sex?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
