You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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