i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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