Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize