allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
