Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
