Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
