She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
