So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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