how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar