i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.