my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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