Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
