What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
