mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
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I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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