Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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