he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
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