Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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