I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
