M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
you didnt know i had herpes?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
