Im at strip club and am horny
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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