Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
