Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
