Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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