i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
