apparently the secret to your success is patron
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
