there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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