How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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