Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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