Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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