Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
