How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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