I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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