apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
