i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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