so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
