i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
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someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
foreskin is a definite game changer
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How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
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