i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
