so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
