You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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