Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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