She went from zero to smokin in five shots
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
