so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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