I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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