YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
