I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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