i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
