Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
