Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
