she woke up with a sticky ear
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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