I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
