Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
