just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
