Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
