The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
