Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Dicks are not precious.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
