Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
