My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
i think i just lost a toe
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
