Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
