I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
