Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
