Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
